Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters 3D - Review

Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters 3D
(2013 January 25)
Action | Fantasy | Horror
88 min

Rated: R  Strong fantasy horror violence and gore, brief sexuality/nudity and language. Common Sense Media says OK for 16+ Read more
Grade: D+

Director: Tommy Wirkola
Writers: Tommy Wirkola, Dante Harper
Stars: Jeremy Renner, Gemma Arterton and Peter Stormare | See full cast and crew

In this adult spin on the fairy tale, Hansel & Gretel are now bounty hunters who track and kill witches all over the world. As the fabled Blood Moon approaches, the siblings encounter a new form of evil that might hold a secret to their past.

The young Hansel and Gretel burn a wicked witch in her own oven.

The 'grown-up' Hansel and Gretel now get paid to hunt down and dispatch with wicked witches by various methods.

Hired by the mayor, Hansel and Gretel defend a woman accused of being a witch and run afoul of the sherriff.

After Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter, I must say, I was intrigued by the re-visitation concept by Tommy Wirkola but this is truly one of the stupidest adaptations of a Fairy tale that has ever come out of Hollywood (granted, via MTV). The MTV association explains a lot, that venerable Network has been the source of such a myriad of cultural rich heritage and social advancements. I give you The Jersey Shore (and please don't give it back). Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters is as banal as anything you would expect to backwash out of the social cesspool that is MTV.

This is all set in a world, in the 1700s, where people light there homes with candles and ride horses but have automatic weapons. The script is full of trite one liners that are supposed to clever that miss the mark by miles. Gretel is the obligatory women's liberation, "I am woman hear me roar", tough-guy! The entire thing mess is so ludicrous it's embarrassing. There are a few good effects but that does not a movie make. Did I mention that this movie is stupid?

Mr. Wirkola directs Ben and the Horned Witch

Mr. Wirkola directs Gretel

Norwegian director Tommy Wirkola wishing  to bring a Nordic flavor  to the film so he  incorporated Trolls into the story. No problem with that but the execution was less than stellar...in the scene with Gretel and the Troll, all I could think of was Fay Wray and King Kong or Jessica Lang and King Kong or Naomi Watts and King Kong (take your pick). It is also comforting to know that missing child notices on milk cartons where started way back in the 1700s as drawings tied onto glass milk bottles. Did I mention that this movie is stupid?

Mina and her machine gun (and blood splattered rocks).

Oh, and by the way, Hansel's experience of eating the witch's sugary candy coated house in the woods, where they were being held captive, left him with diabetes so he requires frequent injections of medicine, presumably insulin which only became a treatment for diabetes a mere 2 or 3 HUNDRED years later, and the injections are administered via a needle that only looks to be the size of a ten penny nail. Our heroes also have in their arsenal a stun gun, yep, a stun gun, which Gretel (with her background medical knowledge) uses on her new-found friend, Edward the Troll, to defibrillate him back to life. Did I mention that this movie is stupid?

Gretel lends a foot to Hansel as they help a witch 'shovel-off'.

Murial bewitches the sherriff's dogs and turns them against him and his posse.

Did I mention that this movie is stupid?

Ben is a 'FAN' of Hansel and Gretel's work, I guess he follows their escapades on the internet.

Did I mention that this movie is stupid?

Go if you want to see bodies torn apart, blood splattering everywhere and lots of guns and explosions and plot, acting and direction are not of any importance.

Being that the left is so inspired to ban 'assault weapons' (a misnomer, to be sure, perpetrated by people who don't know guns) and repeal the second amendment, lets be politically correct about the matter. A 'must see' is Gretel's assault cross-bow. It apparently somehow has an unlimited clip of arrows. What would have happened to our heroine if her clip had been limited to seven arrows. Would the witches say, Gosh, she has shot seven arrows so has to be out now. We can kill her now before she has time to reload, but let's see, to be fair...she did obey the law...so maybe we should just back off and walk away now. Liberal logic! Hollywood was so vehement, at Uncle Joe's assault weapons ban panel in assuring us that there is no relationship between movie violence and violence in society but on the other hand the are so proud that their reduction of smoking and drinking in films and TV has reduced smoking and drinking in society. Just another classic example of Hollywood's liberal door of morality that swings but one direction, but I digress and did I mention that this movie is stupid?

I can't in good conscience recommend this film but if this type of blood letting, carnage and lunacy is your thing...enjoy, and did I mention that this movie is stupid?

One last time, did I mention that this movie is stupid?
Cast

Jeremy Renner        Gemma Arterton

Hansel                                 Gretel

     Derek Mears           Thomas Mann   

Edward                                 Ben

       Famke Janssen            Pihla Viitala       Ingrid Bolsø Berdal 
       Muriel                                        Mina                               Horned Witch

 Peter Stormare           Rainer Bock  
Sheriff Berringer                Mayor Engleman

The Bourne Legacy - Review

The Bourne Legacy 

(2012)

Action / Adventure / Thriller
135 min

PG 13

Director: Tony Gilroy

Writers: Tony Gilroy (screenplay), Dan Gilroy (screenplay), and 2 more credits »

Stars: Jeremy Renner, Rachel Weisz, Edward Norton, | See full cast and crew

Grade: C+

Expansion of the universe created in Robert Ludlum's novels, centered on a new hero, Aaron Cross, whose ill-fated fortunes have been triggered by the events of the previous three films. The narrative architect behind the Bourne film series, Tony Gilroy, takes the helm in the next chapter of the hugely popular espionage franchise that has earned almost $1 billion at the global box office: The Bourne Legacy. The writer/director expands the Bourne universe created by Robert Ludlum with an original story that introduces us to a new hero (Jeremy Renner) whose life-or-death stakes have been triggered by the events of the first three films. For The Bourne Legacy, Renner joins fellow series newcomers Rachel Weisz, Edward Norton, Stacy Keach and Oscar Isaac, while franchise veterans Albert Finney, Joan Allen, David Strathairn and Scott Glenn reprise their roles. -- (C) Universal

A lot of detractors of this relaunch are critical of Jeremy Renner as an heir to Matt Damon. I have seen the previous Bourne films and I enjoyed them. Jeremy Renner he's not Matt Damon and I wasn't expecting to see a duplicate of Matt but someone new and different.

I didn't have a problem so much with Jeremy Renner (fresh off of The Avengers' success) as with the script and direction. The action sequences are exciting and riveting. The only real problem with that (aside from ubiquitous action film problem of having to buy into the impossibility that they could ever really be) is that the action scenes are non-stop. For me, it is a fatal flaw. The last 3/4 of the film is one, long never ending chase scene...it becomes tedious and mind numbing. You can't blow your wad and expect the the crescendo/orgasm (whatever you want to use as an analogy) to continue on with the same intensity for an hour and a half. What starts out as an intriguing story soon devolves into endless violence, chaos and stunts. You find yourself checking your watch wondering how much longer is this going to go on. In addition, while I'm still on my soapbox, the portrayal of every single government/military/police figure as the evil Boogeyman is wearing thin. Every last one of  them must be presented as a heartless, cold, murderous self-serving, conspiratorial ideologue, yawn, yawn, YAWN!

The Story:

(This synopsis is courtesy of Wikipedia - Quite frankly, because I had a hard time following the story.)

Aaron Cross (Jeremy Renner) is a member of Operation Outcome, one of the CIA's black ops programs, that provides its agents with green pills that enhance physical abilities and blue pills that enhance mental abilities. He is deployed to Alaska for a training assignment and meets another Outcome operative, Number Three (Oscar Isaac). They lodge up in a cabin, but a blizzard prevents them from returning to civilization. In the process, they run out of pills.

Meanwhile, Jason Bourne exposes Operation Blackbriar and the Treadstone Project, leading to CIA Deputy Director Pamela Landy (Joan Allen) and Operation Blackbriar supervisor Noah Vosen (David Strathairn) being investigated by the FBI. Upon learning of this, CIA Director Ezra Kramer (Scott Glenn), also under investigation, calls Eric Byer (Edward Norton), a retired USAF Colonel responsible for overseeing the CIA's clandestine operations, for help.

Byer decides to eliminate all Outcome assets and deploys a U-CAV to destroy the cabin where Cross and Number Three are. Cross leaves to survey the area just as a missile destroys the cabin, killing Number Three. Cross uses a sniper rifle to destroy the U-CAV and, realizing that his superiors have ordered his assassination, removes a tracking device in his abdomen, which he forces a wolf that attacks him to swallow. A second U-CAV deployed to eliminate Cross bombs the wolf's nest, and Byer mistakenly assumes Cross has been terminated.

Byer replaces the other Outcome assets' green and blue pills with yellow pills that kill them in a matter of hours, and captures one of Outcome's scientists, Dr. Donald Foite (Zeljko Ivanek), chemically brainwashing him into killing his colleagues. The only survivor is Dr. Marta Shearing (Rachel Weisz), who escapes after Foite commits suicide in order to avoid being questioned by security. Shearing is later attacked in her house by CIA agents ordered to kill her, and rescued by Cross, who convinces her to help him. Shearing reveals that Cross was genetically modified to retain the benefits of the green pills without need of continuous consumption, a process they call "viral off". Cross and Shearing decide to travel to Manila, where the pills are manufactured, to viral off the blue pills into Cross' organism.

On the way there, Cross confides in Shearing that he is Kenneth Kitsom, a U.S. Army soldier who was "killed" by a roadside bomb in the Iraq War. Meanwhile, Byer learns of their plans and deploys Larx-03, a supersoldier that had both pills viralled off into his organism and brainwashed into becoming a remorseless killer, to eliminate them while Cross is weakned by the viral off process. Byer also learns that Landy is expected to face charges for assisting Bourne, while Vosen is expected to be declared innocent and returned to duty.

In Manila, Cross and Shearing arrive at the factory where the pills are produced and Shearing virals off the blue pills. Byer contacts the factory's supervisor and orders a lockdown, but Cross and Shearing are able to escape before Larx arrives and take shelter in a local apartment, where Shearing helps Cross through his recovery from the process, during which he hallucinates of his initiation in Outcome under Byer's supervision.

The following day, Larx informs the local police of Cross' location while Shearing is away buying medicine. She is able to warn Cross, who has recovered from the process, and he escapes from the police and rescues Shearing before they steal a motorcycle and escape, pursued by Larx. After a chase through the streets and marketplaces of Manila, Shearing kills Larx by kicking him out of his motorcycle onto a pillar, killing him upon impact, while Cross' damaged motorcycle swerves off of the road and onto a river. Cross and Shearing are later rescued by a boatman and bribe him with a stolen golden watch into taking them to a ferry, which they board, departing to places unknown.

Cast:

Jeremy Renner as Aaron Cross/Kenneth Kitsom
Rachel Weisz as Dr. Marta Shearing
Edward Norton as Eric Byer

Joan Allen, as Deputy Director Pamela Landy
David Strathairn, as Noah Vosen, the former director of Operation Blackbriar

Stacy Keach as Mark Turso
Albert Finney, as Dr. Albert Hirsch, the doctor responsible for the creation of Treadstone
Louis Ozawa Changchien as LARX-03
Scott Glenn, as Ezra Kramer, Director of the Central Intelligence Agency
Oscar Isaac as Number Three
Donna Murphy as Dita
Željko Ivanek as Dr. Donald Foite

 

The first three films of the Bourne series franchise have been, no doubt, very successful. Together they have grossed nearly $1 billion. The intention of Bourne Legacy is to bring new life into a new expanded franchise. With an opening weekend in the range of $50 million it is highly doubtful that we have seen the last of Aaron Cross or Jeremy Renner. As enamored as Hollywood is with sequals you can expect to see more Bourne adventures in the not to distant future. Matt Damon has indicated that he might join Renner in a Bourne 5