Aylmer to Zazzoo and Beyond: Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters 3D

Monday, January 28, 2013

Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters 3D - Review

Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters 3D
(2013 January 25)
Action | Fantasy | Horror
88 min

Rated: R Strong fantasy horror violence and gore, brief sexuality/nudity and language. Common Sense Media says OK for 16+ Read more
Grade: D+

Director: Tommy Wirkola
Writers: Tommy Wirkola, Dante Harper
Stars: Jeremy Renner, Gemma Arterton and Peter Stormare | See full cast and crew

In this adult spin on the fairy tale, Hansel & Gretel are now bounty hunters who track and kill witches all over the world. As the fabled Blood Moon approaches, the siblings encounter a new form of evil that might hold a secret to their past.

The young Hansel and Gretel burn a wicked witch in her own oven.

The 'grown-up' Hansel and Gretel now get paid to hunt down and dispatch with wicked witches by various methods.

Hired by the mayor, Hansel and Gretel defend a woman accused of being a witch and run afoul of the sherriff.

After Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter, I must say, I was intrigued by the re-visitation concept by Tommy Wirkola but this is truly one of the stupidest adaptations of a Fairy tale that has ever come out of Hollywood (granted, via MTV). The MTV association explains a lot, that venerable Network has been the source of such a myriad of cultural rich heritage and social advancements. I give you The Jersey Shore (and please don't give it back). Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters is as banal as anything you would expect to backwash out of the social cesspool that is MTV.

This is all set in a world, in the 1700s, where people light there homes with candles and ride horses but have automatic weapons. The script is full of trite one liners that are supposed to clever that miss the mark by miles. Gretel is the obligatory women's liberation, "I am woman hear me roar", tough-guy! The entire thing mess is so ludicrous it's embarrassing. There are a few good effects but that does not a movie make. Did I mention that this movie is stupid?

Mr. Wirkola directs Ben and the Horned Witch

Mr. Wirkola directs Gretel

Norwegian director Tommy Wirkola wishing to bring a Nordic flavor to the film so he incorporated Trolls into the story. No problem with that but the execution was less than stellar...in the scene with Gretel and the Troll, all I could think of was Fay Wray and King Kong or Jessica Lang and King Kong or Naomi Watts and King Kong (take your pick). It is also comforting to know that missing child notices on milk cartons where started way back in the 1700s as drawings tied onto glass milk bottles. Did I mention that this movie is stupid?

Mina and her machine gun (and blood splattered rocks).

Oh, and by the way, Hansel's experience of eating the witch's sugary candy coated house in the woods, where they were being held captive, left him with diabetes so he requires frequent injections of medicine, presumably insulin which only became a treatment for diabetes a mere 2 or 3 HUNDRED years later, and the injections are administered via a needle that only looks to be the size of a ten penny nail. Our heroes also have in their arsenal a stun gun, yep, a stun gun, which Gretel (with her background medical knowledge) uses on her new-found friend, Edward the Troll, to defibrillate him back to life. Did I mention that this movie is stupid?

Gretel lends a foot to Hansel as they help a witch 'shovel-off'.

Murial bewitches the sherriff's dogs and turns them against him and his posse.

Did I mention that this movie is stupid?

Ben is a 'FAN' of Hansel and Gretel's work, I guess he follows their escapades on the internet.

Did I mention that this movie is stupid?

Go if you want to see bodies torn apart, blood splattering everywhere and lots of guns and explosions and plot, acting and direction are not of any importance.

Being that the left is so inspired to ban 'assault weapons' (a misnomer, to be sure, perpetrated by people who don't know guns) and repeal the second amendment, lets be politically correct about the matter. A 'must see' is Gretel's assault cross-bow. It apparently somehow has an unlimited clip of arrows. What would have happened to our heroine if her clip had been limited to seven arrows. Would the witches say, Gosh, she has shot seven arrows so has to be out now. We can kill her now before she has time to reload, but let's see, to be fair...she did obey the law...so maybe we should just back off and walk away now. Liberal logic! Hollywood was so vehement, at Uncle Joe's assault weapons ban panel in assuring us that there is no relationship between movie violence and violence in society but on the other hand the are so proud that their reduction of smoking and drinking in films and TV has reduced smoking and drinking in society. Just another classic example of Hollywood's liberal door of morality that swings but one direction, but I digress and did I mention that this movie is stupid?

I can't in good conscience recommend this film but if this type of blood letting, carnage and lunacy is your thing...enjoy, and did I mention that this movie is stupid?