Aylmer to Zazzoo and Beyond: January 2013

Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters 3D
(2013 January 25)
Action | Fantasy | Horror
88 min

Rated: R Strong fantasy horror violence and gore, brief sexuality/nudity and language. Common Sense Media says OK for 16+ Read more
Grade: D+

Director: Tommy Wirkola
Writers: Tommy Wirkola, Dante Harper
Stars: Jeremy Renner, Gemma Arterton and Peter Stormare | See full cast and crew

In this adult spin on the fairy tale, Hansel & Gretel are now bounty hunters who track and kill witches all over the world. As the fabled Blood Moon approaches, the siblings encounter a new form of evil that might hold a secret to their past.

The young Hansel and Gretel burn a wicked witch in her own oven.

The 'grown-up' Hansel and Gretel now get paid to hunt down and dispatch with wicked witches by various methods.

Hired by the mayor, Hansel and Gretel defend a woman accused of being a witch and run afoul of the sherriff.

After Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter, I must say, I was intrigued by the re-visitation concept by Tommy Wirkola but this is truly one of the stupidest adaptations of a Fairy tale that has ever come out of Hollywood (granted, via MTV). The MTV association explains a lot, that venerable Network has been the source of such a myriad of cultural rich heritage and social advancements. I give you The Jersey Shore (and please don't give it back). Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters is as banal as anything you would expect to backwash out of the social cesspool that is MTV.

This is all set in a world, in the 1700s, where people light there homes with candles and ride horses but have automatic weapons. The script is full of trite one liners that are supposed to clever that miss the mark by miles. Gretel is the obligatory women's liberation, "I am woman hear me roar", tough-guy! The entire thing mess is so ludicrous it's embarrassing. There are a few good effects but that does not a movie make. Did I mention that this movie is stupid?

Mr. Wirkola directs Ben and the Horned Witch

Mr. Wirkola directs Gretel

Norwegian director Tommy Wirkola wishing to bring a Nordic flavor to the film so he incorporated Trolls into the story. No problem with that but the execution was less than stellar...in the scene with Gretel and the Troll, all I could think of was Fay Wray and King Kong or Jessica Lang and King Kong or Naomi Watts and King Kong (take your pick). It is also comforting to know that missing child notices on milk cartons where started way back in the 1700s as drawings tied onto glass milk bottles. Did I mention that this movie is stupid?

Mina and her machine gun (and blood splattered rocks).

Oh, and by the way, Hansel's experience of eating the witch's sugary candy coated house in the woods, where they were being held captive, left him with diabetes so he requires frequent injections of medicine, presumably insulin which only became a treatment for diabetes a mere 2 or 3 HUNDRED years later, and the injections are administered via a needle that only looks to be the size of a ten penny nail. Our heroes also have in their arsenal a stun gun, yep, a stun gun, which Gretel (with her background medical knowledge) uses on her new-found friend, Edward the Troll, to defibrillate him back to life. Did I mention that this movie is stupid?

Gretel lends a foot to Hansel as they help a witch 'shovel-off'.

Murial bewitches the sherriff's dogs and turns them against him and his posse.

Did I mention that this movie is stupid?

Ben is a 'FAN' of Hansel and Gretel's work, I guess he follows their escapades on the internet.

Did I mention that this movie is stupid?

Go if you want to see bodies torn apart, blood splattering everywhere and lots of guns and explosions and plot, acting and direction are not of any importance.

Being that the left is so inspired to ban 'assault weapons' (a misnomer, to be sure, perpetrated by people who don't know guns) and repeal the second amendment, lets be politically correct about the matter. A 'must see' is Gretel's assault cross-bow. It apparently somehow has an unlimited clip of arrows. What would have happened to our heroine if her clip had been limited to seven arrows. Would the witches say, Gosh, she has shot seven arrows so has to be out now. We can kill her now before she has time to reload, but let's see, to be fair...she did obey the law...so maybe we should just back off and walk away now. Liberal logic! Hollywood was so vehement, at Uncle Joe's assault weapons ban panel in assuring us that there is no relationship between movie violence and violence in society but on the other hand the are so proud that their reduction of smoking and drinking in films and TV has reduced smoking and drinking in society. Just another classic example of Hollywood's liberal door of morality that swings but one direction, but I digress and did I mention that this movie is stupid?

I can't in good conscience recommend this film but if this type of blood letting, carnage and lunacy is your thing...enjoy, and did I mention that this movie is stupid?

One last time, did I mention that this movie is stupid?
Cast

Jeremy Renner Gemma Arterton

Hansel Gretel

Derek Mears Thomas Mann

Edward Ben

Famke Janssen Pihla Viitala Ingrid Bolsø Berdal
Muriel Mina Horned Witch

Peter Stormare Rainer Bock
Sheriff Berringer Mayor Engleman

The Last Stand
(2013- January 18)
Action | Crime | Thriller
1 hr. 47 min.

Rated: R Strong Bloody Violence and Language | Read more
Grade: C

Director: Jee-woon Kim
Writers: Andrew Knauer (screenplay), Jeffrey Nachmanoff (rewrite), George Nolfi (writing supervisor) and Andrew Knauer (story)
Stars: Arnold Schwarzenegger, Forest Whitaker and Johnny Knoxville | See full cast and crew

After leaving his LAPD narcotics post following a bungled operation that left him wracked with remorse and regret, Sheriff Ray Owens (Schwarzenegger) moved out of Los Angeles and settled into a life fighting what little crime takes place in sleepy border town Sommerton Junction. But that peaceful existence is shattered when Gabriel Cortez (Eduardo Noriega), the most notorious, wanted drug kingpin in the western hemisphere, makes a deadly yet spectacular escape from an FBI prisoner convoy. With the help of a fierce band of lawless mercenaries led by the icy Burrell (Peter Stormare), Cortez begins racing towards the US-Mexico border at 250 mph in a specially-outfitted Corvette ZR1 with a hostage in tow. Cortez’ path: straight through Summerton Junction, where the whole of the U.S. law enforcement, including Agent John Bannister (Forest Whitaker) will have their final opportunity to intercept him before the violent fugitive slips across the border forever.

This is a post Governator comeback flick and is about what you would expect. Set your expectations on low and you should be just fine.

Cars go fast, guns go boom, things blow up real good (that includes bad guys..."yep, he blowed up reeeeal good."). Arnold deliver a few good quips, Johnny Knoxville will play a 'jackass' (quite a stretch), and things turn out about how you'd expect. Now don't forget that the folks in Hollywood, they being very religious, are on a proselytizing mission. So, according to the Hollywood bible there must be some strategically placed F-words or the earth will stop spinning, must be violent males (but "woman hear her roar", she can be just as good/bad as a man, "anything you can do I can do better"), heartless killers, lots of bloody gun deaths (but remember, this has absolutely no effect whatsoever on children, adolescent or TEENAGE boys so as a responsible parent of guardian you can take the whole family, forget about the meaningless R rating), lots of car chases, the requisite corrupt cop(s) and mountains of destroyed cop cars. Yep! It's pretty much what you would expect.

So, this Sabbath, be it Thursday, Saturday or 'Sinday', grab yer bibles, yer pray shawls, and prayer rugs and come on down to your local temple of cinematic worship and pray together some Hollywood style--diversified--prayers for the continued decline of western (a.k.a. Christian) civilization. CAN I GET AN AMEN!